Sunday, February 20, 2011

Gender Identity and Sexuality

I'm turning 30 this spring and I'm still trying to figure out my sexual orientation. I'm like Ted Haggard, in that my sexuality doesn't fit in a little box. And I'm a mega church pastor who smokes meth with prostitutes. No, wait, only the first part.

I grew up on a small town in rural PA. I thought I might be bi, but no one was out in my school of ~500 students. I didn't date in high school anyway; I was unpopular, and the guys that I liked didn't like me.

Twelve years later, I've only had two serious relationships. Both involved men, and I'm still with the second one. Am I straight? I don't know. I've only ever had actual, heart-throbbing crushes on men, but as far as porn goes, I'm mainly interested in pictures of women. I think I would enjoy sex with a woman, and I don't see why I couldn't fall in love with one, especially if she were kind of androgynous or butch acting. The men I'm most attracted to also have a certain amount of androgyny to them: gays, bis, transvestites. I guess I'm attracted to gender benders. Is there a word for that?

As far as gender identity, I align myself with Team Woman, but I don't really identify too strongly as one. I feel more androgynous. I hate shopping - malls are obnoxious, and I can never find what I want. I'm more intellectual than intuitive. As far as clothing goes, comfort and functionality almost always trump style. When I put on makeup, it's like a costume. I have a very feminine body: small hands and feet, slight build, small waist-to-hip ratio, delicate facial features. I can pull off "woman" far easier than I could ever pull off "man," and sometimes it's fun to dress up like an attractive woman. I like the attention, sometimes. But just because I'm wearing a dress, that doesn't mean I want you to carry my bags or hold doors for me. That doesn't give me a sudden appreciation for musical theater or romance novels. It doesn't make me prefer a spa over a climbing wall. I am what I am.

1 comment:

Janae said...

I guess we're androgynophiles? :) Love your post <3